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xclairex
WP Forum Celebrity:
855 posts
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Countdown: 343 days
Blog: 0 entries
Location: UK - UK
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2624 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 23 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 4:01PM
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QANTAS AIRLINE GRIPE SHEETS....
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem and then respond in writing on the lower half of the
form, what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident!
P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers
P = Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S = Almost replaced left inside main tyre
P = Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S = Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
P = Something loose in cockpit
S = Something tightened in cockpit
P = Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S = Cannot reproduce problem on ground
P = Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S = Evidence removed
P = DME volume unbelievably loud
S = DME volume set to more believable level
P = Friction locks cause throttle levels to stick
S = That's what they are for
P = IFF inoperative
S = IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
P = Suspect crack in windshield
S = Suspect you're right
P = Number 3 engine missing
S = Engine found on right wing after brief search
P = Aircraft handles funny
S = Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious
P = Target radar hums
S = Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P = Mouse in cockpit
S = Cat installed
P = Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S = Took hammer away from midget
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kirkychic
WeddingPath Big Sister:
1957 posts
Joined: 10 Jul 2007
Countdown: 302 days
Blog: 1 entry
Location: W. Lothian - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 4:27PM
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The Da-Vinci Code
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conference, to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman'
[Carol xxx Mrs Ward 2B]
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racheyroo
Margos Best Friend:
579 posts
Joined: 08 Dec 2006
Already Married!
Blog: 2 entries
Location: Nottingham - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 5:28PM
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3 men are bragging about their sex lives. One is latino, one is italian and one is english.
the latino chap says 'I am amazing in bed. When I make love to my lover, I give her such mind blowing pleasure that she rises six inches off the bed'
the italian says 'no, us italians are the best lovers. When I am in bed with a woman, she experiences such an incredible feeling of pleasure that she floats 2 feet off the bed.
the brit says 'that's nothing, lads. after i shag my wife, i get out of bed and wipe my nob on the curtains. she hits the f***ing roof!!!!'
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rosebuds
WeddingPath Big Sister:
924 posts
Joined: 12 May 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 4 entries
Location: essex - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 5:42PM
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this on allways makes me laugh.
I love this thread babes 
never fart in a wet suit
[a loves k]
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rosebuds
WeddingPath Big Sister:
924 posts
Joined: 12 May 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 4 entries
Location: essex - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 5:44PM
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I love this, it has me in fits everytime i read it.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's (UK Supermarket store) Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
Yours
sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
[a loves k]
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MrsRhea
WeddingPath Big Sister:
3624 posts
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Profile Updated!
Already Married!
Blog: 2 entries
Location: my house - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 6:02PM
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Ahh, i feel so much better after reading all these thread, loads of them have had me in absolute fits
Keep them coming ladies  (and any men that feel free to add to them)
[www.rheaweddingdesigns.webs.com]
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kirkychic
WeddingPath Big Sister:
1957 posts
Joined: 10 Jul 2007
Countdown: 302 days
Blog: 1 entry
Location: W. Lothian - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 6:23PM
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Edited by kirkychic, 15 May 2008 at 06:27PM:
[Carol xxx Mrs Ward 2B]
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MrsRhea
WeddingPath Big Sister:
3624 posts
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Profile Updated!
Already Married!
Blog: 2 entries
Location: my house - UK
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kirkychic
WeddingPath Big Sister:
1957 posts
Joined: 10 Jul 2007
Countdown: 302 days
Blog: 1 entry
Location: W. Lothian - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 6:36PM
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THE VIBRATOR
AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR,? SHE> > HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE? ASKED:> 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A > HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY? AND LEAVE ME? ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER> SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND PLEASE, GO AWAY? AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A?> SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA? AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED:-
(wait for it!)
'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.....
[Carol xxx Mrs Ward 2B]
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