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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
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Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:10PM
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Office Dares  
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'goodmorning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, 'Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye.'
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, 'Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!'.
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone
points it out, say, 'Sorry, I really prefer it this way'.
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, 'I like your style' and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, 'Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it'.
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink
directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as
'Bob'.
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you 'really have to go do a number two'.
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in' the report's on your desk, Mon'. Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your
forehead repeatedly and mutter, 'Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!'.
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, 'As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again'.
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: 'See how I look in tights'.
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask 'You wanna trade?'.
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now'.
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, 'I can't talk about it'.
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the
movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you...
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it
'IN.'
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write ' FOR S*XUAL FAVOURS'.
7) Finish all your sentences with 'In accordance with the prophecy.'
8) Don't use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of cashpoint, scream 'I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!'
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, 'Run for your lives, they're loose!'
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:14PM
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Useful tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. 
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive .
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:15PM
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Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
Cogito ergo sum
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
No kebab for me, thank you
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
I'm not interested in fighting you.
Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:17PM
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:20PM
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How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake kn*b at her while shouting Way Hey!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of kn*b in mirror. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth ? don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash b*ll*cks and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. P*ss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of kn*b again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab kn*b, go 'Yeah baby' and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes.
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:23PM
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Ok, I'll stop now... just one last thing, please please PLEASE go and watch/listen to the llama song
If you don't laugh so hard that a teeeeeny tiny bit of pee comes out, then there is something wrong with you!! Enjoy
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kirkychic
WeddingPath Big Sister:
1576 posts
Joined: 10 Jul 2007
Countdown: 351 days
Blog: 1 entry
Location: W. Lothian - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:32PM
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New underwear for me please I think I just peed my pants
[Carol xxx Mrs Ward 2B]
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:34PM
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Ok... one more 
Disorder in the Court?
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
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xclairex
WP Forum Celebrity:
814 posts
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Countdown: 392 days
Blog: 0 entries
Location: N.ireland - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:52PM
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Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The
husband shouted, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to apologize
and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they
saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the
people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the
husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of
my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's
the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy l ife!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the
genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in
every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your
wish, genie?'
' Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep
with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Honey, you
know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You
know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,
but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said t he husband.
'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the
woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each
other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie
rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you
and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?'
[claire xoxo 31st july 09!! :) :)]
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MrsAimz
WeddingPath Big Sister:
2603 posts
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Already Married!
Blog: 24 entries
Location: Inverness - UK
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:56PM
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Sorry, I keep finding these 
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE OVER 25...
1. You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush'.
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
12. You complain that ecstasy's 'not as pure as it used to be coz you know that if you have some it will take about 48 hours to recover and anyway, you might look a bit of an idiot.
13. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
14. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
15. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
16. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice half-bottle of House white.
17. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
18. You always have enough milk in.
19. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
20. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
21. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
22. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
23. You wish you had a shed.
24. You have a shed.
25. You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that anymore' and 'I remember when there were only 3 TV channels' and 'Of course, in my day....'
26. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.
27. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at school children whose diction is poor.
28. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
29. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
30. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in ...
31. You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me?
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