De-Stressing Thread (watch topic)
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RheaWeddingDesigns
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:32PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

Hiya everyone

I notice that some of us (especially me, that has done nothing but cry and snap at several friends this week) have been very stressed the last few days

This is our DE-STRESSING THREAD. you can only put happy things here. Jokes, links, pitures, whatever, but they HAVE to be funny and happy Hahaha Hahaha

WARNING: Some of these jokes may not be suitable for children
Coffee
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RheaWeddingDesigns
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:32PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, 'What's the camel for?'. The Sergeant replied 'Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.'

The captain said 'Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.' After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, 'BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!' The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the enlisted men do it?'

The Sergeant replied, 'Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.'
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:36PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. ~~~ Groucho Marx (Duck Soup)

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. ~~~ Woody Allen (Annie Hall)

You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music ~~~ Jim Carrey

If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer! ~~~(Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
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kirkychic
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:45PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

Great idea Rhea - Big Grin Big Grin Hahaha heres a few

What starts with F and ends with K??

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3r d grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' !

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... '

[Carol xxx Mrs Ward 2B]
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:46PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

Edited by kirkychic, 15 May 2008 at 02:47PM:

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES???



This is for all the germ conscious folks who worry about using cold water to clean.

Terry went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of North Renfrew .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, Terry's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, Terry noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get' em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, Terry was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, Terry was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

Terry yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,

'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!'

Meet Coldwater the dog.



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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:48PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

and another :-

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said,' My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:' Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.
Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the p*ss.'


Hahaha Hahaha Hahaha
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MrsReed
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 2:56PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

Think this thread is a great idea Clap


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MrsAimz
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:00PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst trepidation he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, and tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:02PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her eight-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, 'All of you b*stards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.'

The horrified mother went in & told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.' Hahaha Hahaha Hahaha
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Seona
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Posting Time: 15 May 2008 at 3:09PM  Reply with quote   Edit this post   Delete this post

Edited by Seona, 15 May 2008 at 03:10PM:

Meatloaf as piechart




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